I'll start by saying, I never identified as a feminist. As a child I remember being often "accused" of being one simply because I argue for equality generally speaking, and it so happened that the topic of that specific conversation was about women (and it so happened I was one, which of course made matters of equality for that particular category feel that much closer to the bone).
The matter of the orgasm gap is one that fascinates me as I am a member (no pun intended) of that half of the population who's capable of having multiple per encounter and yet seems to be statistically enjoying fewer (a mathematical oddity at the very least, if you ask me). I think what makes you itch in the articles you mentioned is the word "entitlement", which is often used with a negative connotation. I actually think of it as a positive - why *wouldn't* you feel entitled to an orgasm in a sexual encounter you are clearly having to *enjoy* it? The problem, if anything, is that there are still people who think they don't deserve an orgasm, and who are open to continuing relationships that don't give them one at least occasionally. Would you go bowling with a friend and think to yourself "it's alright if I don't have fun, because they do and they need this?". Maybe once. Maybe twice if your mate is having a rough time and you want to take their mind off it. Any more and you'd think to yourself you are being pathetic for allowing yourself to be exploited in such a way, especially if your mate knows bowling ain't your thing and makes no effort to reciprocate by going with you somewhere *you* enjoy.
But even as a woman born in the 80s I can tell you that a sizeable chunk of my lady friends put up with the prolonged absence of orgasms in the name of keeping up relationships in which their significant other hides behind a lot of excuses to not make the least amount of effort in supporting them with their, er, entertainment. To then whine because the sex is infrequent and they don't have *their* needs met. Because they are *entitled* to regular sex, and what's this business with their partner not making themselves available? Nonsense, surely.
From my personal experience, much as I cannot sport a long list of sexual partners, about half of the men I've had any such interaction with took little interest in my side of things, if they didn't go as far as blaming me or questioning my heterosexuality in case of negative outcomes. I've been fortunate enough to also find caring and motivated partners along the way, but if my experience is anything to go by, it's the toss of a coin which it is.
Now, I'm not exactly a young person anymore, so maybe things have changed in the meantime for the newer generations, but hearing what I hear around me, I kinda doubt it. It's beautiful that you think any civilised man wouldn't think he is entitled to anyone's body, and I agree with you - with the only caveat that perhaps the number of civilised people is smaller than you think it is.
"But then I'm sceptical of 'rights' in general, which I'm still trying to figure out how to write about."
I'm interested in your ideas on this. Hope you write about it at some point.
"Well, yes, but I can't shake a certain resentment that there are people who pathologise what I - as an ordinary man with desires that are best met by a woman - want as entitlement."
I think you can't get shake the resentment because it is the exact mechanism through which society denigrated women for ages: pick something like their tendency to be more emotional (tendency only! individuals vary wildly!), pathologize it, and denigrate them as a class. It has been a project of a regrettable number of feminist voices. Are men more violent than women? Do they feel horny more frequently and more strongly? As matters of averages, YES! Undoubtedly. And it seems like parts of feminism are intent on turning these traits into problems.
I used to consider myself a feminist as well. Lately I've been wondering if it's time to retire the broad meta-narrative of feminism in the WEIRD world in favor of something more universal. It's simply causing more problems than it's worth, and I think we can address our desired social progress more effectively if we stop dividing women and men. Perhaps we need to come together in a way that's not under the ostensible advocacy of either sex specifically.
I'll start by saying, I never identified as a feminist. As a child I remember being often "accused" of being one simply because I argue for equality generally speaking, and it so happened that the topic of that specific conversation was about women (and it so happened I was one, which of course made matters of equality for that particular category feel that much closer to the bone).
The matter of the orgasm gap is one that fascinates me as I am a member (no pun intended) of that half of the population who's capable of having multiple per encounter and yet seems to be statistically enjoying fewer (a mathematical oddity at the very least, if you ask me). I think what makes you itch in the articles you mentioned is the word "entitlement", which is often used with a negative connotation. I actually think of it as a positive - why *wouldn't* you feel entitled to an orgasm in a sexual encounter you are clearly having to *enjoy* it? The problem, if anything, is that there are still people who think they don't deserve an orgasm, and who are open to continuing relationships that don't give them one at least occasionally. Would you go bowling with a friend and think to yourself "it's alright if I don't have fun, because they do and they need this?". Maybe once. Maybe twice if your mate is having a rough time and you want to take their mind off it. Any more and you'd think to yourself you are being pathetic for allowing yourself to be exploited in such a way, especially if your mate knows bowling ain't your thing and makes no effort to reciprocate by going with you somewhere *you* enjoy.
But even as a woman born in the 80s I can tell you that a sizeable chunk of my lady friends put up with the prolonged absence of orgasms in the name of keeping up relationships in which their significant other hides behind a lot of excuses to not make the least amount of effort in supporting them with their, er, entertainment. To then whine because the sex is infrequent and they don't have *their* needs met. Because they are *entitled* to regular sex, and what's this business with their partner not making themselves available? Nonsense, surely.
From my personal experience, much as I cannot sport a long list of sexual partners, about half of the men I've had any such interaction with took little interest in my side of things, if they didn't go as far as blaming me or questioning my heterosexuality in case of negative outcomes. I've been fortunate enough to also find caring and motivated partners along the way, but if my experience is anything to go by, it's the toss of a coin which it is.
Now, I'm not exactly a young person anymore, so maybe things have changed in the meantime for the newer generations, but hearing what I hear around me, I kinda doubt it. It's beautiful that you think any civilised man wouldn't think he is entitled to anyone's body, and I agree with you - with the only caveat that perhaps the number of civilised people is smaller than you think it is.
"But then I'm sceptical of 'rights' in general, which I'm still trying to figure out how to write about."
I'm interested in your ideas on this. Hope you write about it at some point.
"Well, yes, but I can't shake a certain resentment that there are people who pathologise what I - as an ordinary man with desires that are best met by a woman - want as entitlement."
I think you can't get shake the resentment because it is the exact mechanism through which society denigrated women for ages: pick something like their tendency to be more emotional (tendency only! individuals vary wildly!), pathologize it, and denigrate them as a class. It has been a project of a regrettable number of feminist voices. Are men more violent than women? Do they feel horny more frequently and more strongly? As matters of averages, YES! Undoubtedly. And it seems like parts of feminism are intent on turning these traits into problems.
I used to consider myself a feminist as well. Lately I've been wondering if it's time to retire the broad meta-narrative of feminism in the WEIRD world in favor of something more universal. It's simply causing more problems than it's worth, and I think we can address our desired social progress more effectively if we stop dividing women and men. Perhaps we need to come together in a way that's not under the ostensible advocacy of either sex specifically.